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Here is another "Chip has moved to Missouri and is Staying Alone" story . . . My goodness, will it ever quit.

I came home from work yesterday after a meeting at the DoubleTree and stopped by the mail box and got the mail. While there, I noticed that the little pine trees, that had been Chain-sawed into submission, from a cute Christmas Tree shapes, into a Grinch-ly attempt at forming hedge bushes, were looking a tad bit on the dry side. Being from Texas, and never having met the acquaintance of pine trees before, other than at Christmas, the hedges were looking like a dried out Christmas Tree in the beginning of March . . . more needles off than on.

As I walked into the Garage, I caught the sight of my sprinkler system panel, which looked no less than a Launch Console at the Johnson Space Center . . . so I thought to myself, "Self, you are technologically advanced enough to get this system working by yourself. . ." Famous last words were just uttered. I rushed into the house to dress for the occasion . . . I was about to begin my first Yardwork Day at the new house.

After getting dressed, I came out to survey the poor pine tree damage, and found every pine tree in the yard looking about the same . . . needles easy to pull off and brittle . . . a sure sign of dryness. So I walk over to the Sprinkler System Panel and open the cover. There were gauges, dials, LED lights, displays, slider switches, and last but not least, instructions written under the cover. So I notice that there was no activity on the panel . . . none of the LED's were lit, the clock wasn't working, the power indicator was dark . . . Hmmm, I thought, the unit must need power.

I located a large Modular plug at the base of a pipe going to the Sprinkler Command Module, so I figured . . . Hell, I guess I'll just plug this bad boy in . . . After doing so, I hear an audible beep emit from the Control Panel . . . Hmmm, that must have done the trick, I thought, looking up to the panel and seeing the Power Indicator glowing green . . . Houston, we have ignition . . . I gleefully said, fully proud that I was figuring this thing out.

I'm a programmer, by trade . . . it is what I do . . . it is what I am used to . . . however, I had never been thru the syntax that I was about to embark on. Going into the house to get my reading glasses, as the directions and pictures on the door were comparable to printing the entire Webster's dictionary on a letter sheet of paper . . . the type-font has to be in a 4-digit decimal, as it was not even 1 pitch. The reading went something like this:

Select the Program by depressing the programming button 4 times, then look at the LED lights to light up under the appropriate time frame. This will place you in Daily mode with 7 sprinkler settings, unless of course you have selected the 14-Day Specific Cycle mode by depressing the button under the Manual button 5 times, and allowing LED Marked 'Sprinkle Cycle' to flash repeatedly. If it is not flashing, you are in daily mode. . . etc.

But wait, I thought, it said something about a Manual button . . . this will, or should, allow me to save my poor dried trees, and worry about the intricacies of this Command Center later . . . So . . . standing half in, and half out of the garage to monitor the first sprinkles of my Home Irrigation System, I push the Manual button . . . nothing happened . . . I walked out into the yard . . . nothing was happening. I evaluated the control panel and found some dials that were set to off. . . I twisted them all to full on . . . nothing happened . . . I walked back into the yard as if to somehow coax the water from the ground. . . still nothing.

I walked back into the garage and stood in front of the panel looking at all of the Dials, settings, LED lights, and started looking at the instructions again. The instructions were written for someone with innate instruction comprehension, nothing short of a Nuclear Physicist. I started with the section about the dials that controlled each sprinkler Zone of which this advanced console had 7; it stated To increase water flow, turn the dial to the right to the desired pressure . . . Well at the time, there was no pressure, so I Pegged each of those dials full right, and stepped out to see if the sprinklers were functioning . . . they were not.

Continuing thru the instructions I found the operative statement "To operate the system in manual mode, press the Manual button and the Manual LED will light up red. So . . . Push the button I did . . . something indeed was about to happen, as I heard this grumbling sound, like water pipes being stressed to maximum PSI. I take two steps out of my garage, and confirmed, that something, indeed, was happening, as there was this hissing sound all around me, like a herd of snakes wandering thru my front yard. All of a sudden, I saw mist appear from several of my flowerbeds . . . Aw, it's working, I thought to myself as I was convinced that it was a misting sort of sprinkler system; I however was not ready for what was to happen next. . .

I start walking up to one of my flower beds to evaluate the Misting system , and low-and-behold, there was a loud Shoomp! came from behind me closer to the house. I spun around to see the pop-up sprinkler head come shooting out of the ground like a Patriot Missile after some arrant Scud Missile, followed by a stream of water that was no less than Yellowstone's Ol' Faithful Geyser. Shoomp! . . . Here went another . . . then another . . . then this awful gurgling sound. I started running back to the garage to look for the Mission Abort switch, which needless to say, could not be found. I looked at the front yard at what looked to be an Armageddon-like Nuclear Missile launch all rising from my lawn like moisture powered rockets. I did the only thing I could . . . I pulled the plug.

The geysers, all of which, probably drained the Missouri River by about a foot, slowly subsided to trickles, then began gurgling again . . . Well, I thought; Enough of this high tech water stuff for me . . . I'm going to call someone.

When I called the phone number on the sticker located on the cover of the Command Center, I found out, after giving my address, that the previous owners liked to have their system evacuated of water for the winter (ie. Sprinkler heads loosened to allow for water to be vacuumed out of the pipe-works), and that they had paid for the service of them Turning the system on, as well as off, and as well as sending some required Annual Backwash Test results to the State of Missouri, AS REQUIRED BY LAW. I told them why don't they plan on doing that for me too, as I would hate to meet the Sheriff's Department again by breaking some sort of Sprinkler Law, as no-doubt, from the way the deputy was laughing in Chapter 1 - The First Night Alone in the New House, everyone at the Sheriff's Department will know that I was the fool who answered the door in a towel; hell they might just carpool out to see me.

The fun with the new house never ceases. . .