|
You may have read this or not, but here it is; I didn't write this, but it was so humerous that I had to include it in my Blog, I have added a few though . . .
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
THE PRIME DIRECTIVE.
You should always wait to poop until the bathroom is empty, benefiting you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
CROP DUSTING.
Definition: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper
before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Cam-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
THE NESTER.
Definition: A pooper who lines the rim of a toilet bowl with toilet paper in an effort to prevent any of his body from touching any part of the toilet bowl; this looks similar to the nesting habits of the Southern Californian Condor, but with toilet paper instead of twigs. Signs that a nester has inhabited the stall is a severe lack of toilet paper with paper pieces lying around the base of the crapper.
THE SECOND WAVE POOPER.
Definition: This happens when you\'re done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poop some more. You have already given your presence in the stall away, so it makes it more difficult to avoid an Uncle Ted or Turd Burglar.
THE LINCOLN LOG.
Definition: The kind of poop log that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. These usually leave the bowl remenants that make one believe that the toilet was not flushed and/or the paperwork had not been completed. Tell tale signs of a Lincoln Log in progress is the sound of multiple toilet flushes.
THE PEEL-OUT.
Definition: The Skid marks left in the base of the bowl after a solid poop flush. Extra paper can help cleanse the skid mark. This is generally associated with a Lincoln Log. Avoid leaving a stall that has a peel-out (even if not yours), as others will knowingly assume that you left it.
THE CAR WASH.
Definition: The dropping of either a Watermelon or Lincoln Log with the proper angle to splash toilet water all over your back-side. This will require extra paperwork. Await for the restroom to be empty before releasing anything that could cause a carwash.
THE RUBBAGE COMPACTOR.
Definition: This is a person who, while performing Crop Dusting, feels that they are improving the density of the poop log by squeezing the air out of it. When the release of excess air becomes more difficult, the stink pickle should be about ready for harvest, providing the need for less paperwork. Be careful when performing the Rubbage Compacting, as the Surgeon General had determined that this action is a primary cause of a Lincoln Log, or a Peel-Out.
THE ACCOUNTANT:
This is the one who, while in a stall, you hear the toilet paper disapearing in reams. The IRS does not use as much paperwork as this perplexed pooper, never thinking that he has wiped enough. The tell-tale signs of an Accountant is multiple trips to the paper roll. The flushing of this amount of paper can make one mistake the sound for that of a Lincoln Log performing an exodus, due to the multiple flushes.
THE ALI-BABBA:
This is the sound of a person who feels the need to wrap his/her hand with no less than 20 rounds of toilet paper, making a figurative turd turban. in an effort to keep the maximum amount of paper between their hand and Poop Canyon. Tell-tale signs of an Ali-Babba is the sound of removing the roll of paper from the dispencer, and the manual tearing of paper, as the mummified hand wipe gets created.
THE CRADLE OF REST:
The art of layering toilet paper in a hammock-like arc from each side of the toilet bowl to just above the water in an effort to prevent a Car Wash from a Lincoln Log or Watermelon. If done properly, the weight of the poop will make the center of the Cradle touch the water, thus allowing the poop log to gently slide into the water with less splash than a Gold Metal Olympic Diver. |
The Ship's Blog 
